What happens when a friend (in this case Master Apprentice VV) gives you a short stack of records for free? He says he hasn't even listened them. He also says he does not want to ever see them again.
Do you say:
A. "Why are you just giving me these?"
B. "Why haven't you listened to them yet?"
C. "Thank you for the gift."
or
D. All of the above.
Well, one brave and ultimately foolhardy VVer has chosen to say "D" and accepted these records to review for you. The other VVer has turned a blind eye to more records entering the house.
What's Eating Gilbert 7" EP Cheap Shots
This sounds like total crap. VVers made it thirty seconds in and then started skipping large chunks of ... music(?), more accurately wasted grooves of vinyl. Tried it at 45 speed just to see if that would help. Nope. The lead singer's yearning lyrics, Ned's Atomic Dustbin wanna-be, are crushing to the soul. No no no. Later on in the night VVer #1 tried to sneak it into the neighbors collection as a joke. Felt guilty. Took it back and then left it at one of those little library boxes.
Alcoa/Choir Vandals Split EP
More yearning that is practically unlistenable. The preening vocals don't even make a dent. Choir Vandals = thrice yearning crapfest. The guy has a decent singing voice, but unfortunately he knows it and is just wailing his ass off. This is not helping anybody aka self-indulgent. Bye bye.
Dee Cracks Heart Shaped flexi-disc single
Eh, more terrible, and the needle got lifted before 30 seconds pass. Shouting, stop shouting. It's really sad that the artist did something special by making it a heart shape and for what? It should be a broken heart (VVers can make this happen). Again, tried to sneak it into the neighbors collection as a joke. Neighbor found it later and proceeded to used it to DJ scratch that night. It didn't exactly save this one from the great scrap heap in the sky (aka the little library box), but at least it made for an entertaining end to the night.
Stigmata 7"
This actually starts off as a respectable metal tune, until the singer opens his dumb mouth. Infantile lyrics, grainy voice totally lacking in personality. Disappointing. Probably he is fun at karaoke night, but a great singer this does not make. Even more disappointing is the inner artwork, a picture on the label of side b that just looks a little too cheery for a band that sounds this brooding. Imagine two bros hugging in their basement (the VVers are pleased to spare you actually seeing this picture). The back cover of the sleeve is also terrible; a sweaty close up of some old guy's back tats. Several sweaty tat folds here. Great choice, Stigmata. Great choice. Barfing.
This Means War Use it Up fancy pants picture flexi-disc single
This has "worst in show" written all over it because while this might be the prettiest looking of the pile, it sounds like uninspired drek. Go back to working at Staples.
The Goodtime Boys 7" EP Things I Still Don't Understand
The VVers made it through a whole song. Listening to the first five bands on this list must have built up the VVers tolerance to garbage. No actual good times were had.
Quicksand Interiors
Just can't open it... too traumatized already. Maybe in the morning...
Courtney Barnett / Kurt Vile Lotta Sea Lice
C'mon, this isn't even fair. This is actually real music. The LP, a first time partnership for the two has a nice folksy blend of just rightly stoned songs. The VVers ultimately decided to gift it to the neighbors as an apology of sorts for constantly sneaking crappy records into their collection. As it happens, it is the perfect record to receive as a gift if you are a fan of either Kurt or Courtney but unfamiliar with the other. Not to be confused with the documentary soundtrack for Kurt and Courtney.
Upon receiving these records, the VVers do declare:
(1) Apprentice is no longer allowed to spew random crappy records upon the VVers for his own pleasure of getting to read them vent about how absolutely bad they are.
(2) Apprentice must first suffer through them himself, and then, only then, will the VVers entertain this proposal henceforth.
