In another chapter of . . . "The VVers braved it so you won't have to!"
Look at this piece of... No No No. "It burns the eyes!!!" What is happening here!?! VVer Master Apprentice found this LP in the outbox of a relative on the West Coast (apparently it was a gift, hopefully a gag gift), shipped it to VVer Secret World HQ, with accompanying letter "Smug asshole cover waiting for a Vinyl Vagabond scathing review if worthy - HAHAHA." Worthy indeed.
What starts off bad only exceeds expectations as a pulsating poop sandwich. Dropping the needle reveals playful synth pop, completely void of creativity and soul. Randy himself sounds like a fifth rate Elton John, lacking any significant musical chops and at times missing his marks. His back-up singers do their best to sound enthusiastic, earn their pay, and get out of the studio as quickly as possible. Title track, "You're the One" sounds a little interesting for a brief moment, in tone at least. And then in comes horsey clackity-clack wood block percussion and the incredibly cheesy chorus. It seems like an attempt at a Stevie Wonder tune going horribly off the rails. At the very least, it's not as terrifyingly bad as what happens two tracks later: "A Potato in the Rain" which has the dubious history of being used to terminate pregnancy in farm animals. It's hard to exactly quantify the level of schmaltz on display in this song, in short, this is a sad, sad, sad song. It's supposed to be sad. The VVers doubt this is the sort of sad Randy was going for though. The track goes on about Randy getting ditched by a lady in favor of another guy. Don't ask about what happened to the potato. "Night Music," the only up tempo tune on the album has a 52 second fade out which actually does have a final piano flourish to end the song... so why the fade out Randy? WHY!?! By far the best/worst song on the album has to be the final track, "All Along the Rhine." It's a tourism tune that touches on the history and sights of Europe set to a mopey vibe. The lyrics end with Randy having a hangover. Suffer through this album and it's guaranteed you will have a hangover as well.
Let's talk about lyrics for a second. The VVers don't often review albums of love songs and balladry, so with a clothes pin firmly attached to nose, here are a few lyrics to contemplate. First a line from the song "Thirty Years Old (Mom)": "I've been reading books, I wanna see the world at first hand. I've been taking looks around, I'm gonna show where I stand. I've been too locked up, to give my heart half a chance. See your baby has grown, and it's time I left home." Really Randy? You put a song on your album about moving out of Mom's house on your 30th birthday? WTF. How about a line from "A Potato in the Rain," ready? "We had planned to take a drive, a postponed romantic ride. But when I pulled up, another guy had just pulled out. You waved goodbye, feel I'm falling, feel I'm weak. I know I'm not in command, so here I stand in endless pain, a potato in the rain." Endless pain is right. The only upside is the VVers and friends now have a new code for a bad party time. Example: "This bar is like a potato in the rain." "Yeah, let's go." Does this guy have a fan club? Does it double as a watch list for the FBI's least wanted list?
|Figure A: Totally creepy|
Lastly, credits for "A Potato in the Rain" read: Fender Rhodes, Piano: Randy (Spuds) Eldeman;
Fingersnaps: Randy (Tater-Tots) Eldeman. STOP RUINING POTATOES FOR THE VVERS!!! THEY ARE YELLING IN ALL CAPS NOW! This album is stamped a promotional "DJ" copy and is NOT FOR SALE. What a shame. You can't make that shit up, this album is the gift from Satan that keeps on giving.